It happened again today in my office.

A spouse complaining about how their partner will accept no responsibility for any of the struggles in the relationship. She brings an issue to him, and he turns it back on her, and finds a way in which it is her fault.

It could be her bringing it to him, or him bringing it to her. The pattern is one person will never take responsibility for their own contribution to the struggles.

Are you a "teflon spouse?"

I call these folks "teflon spouses." As in, nothing sticks to them. Remember how President Reagan was sometimes referred to as the "Teflon President?" This was because with all the stuff going on around him, nothing seemed to stick. Same thing here, but in a truly negative way.

Some folks are particularly gifted at making everything the fault of someone esle. When you bring a concern or complaint to these folks, they are skilled at turning it around and making it your problem.

The problem is that it does not match reality. In 25 years of doing couples therapy and coaching, I have never seen a situation where both people did not have their fingerprints on the mess. By definiion, both partners have their own contribution to the struggle.

Now in no way am I saying that you have to take the blame for everything to be a good spouse.

I am saying that you do have to take responsibility for your part in the relationship in order to be a good spouse.

Jeff Herring

Jeff is a marriage and family therapist, singles and relationship coach, mentor coach, speaker, syndicated relationship columnist and author.

Jeff has a full time private practice in Tallahassee in which he specializes in couples, teen and parent counseling. He also is a relationship coach specializing in working with couples and singles. Some of his professional activities include:

==> Internationally syndicated relationship columnist through Knight-Ridder/Tribune Media Services, with a weekly readership of over 10 million worldwide

==> Sought after speaker for organizations, associations, churches, and corporations

==>Twice weekly appearances on The Steve and Sara Show on Magic 107.1

==> Author of "Keep the Changes: 52 Tools for Successful Living" a collection of his best columns, as well as several e-books including "How to Create a Passionate and Loving Relationship.........Forever," "How to Beat the BOZOs: Dealing with difficult people without becoming one," and "Tame Your Teen: THE survival guide for parenting your teenager.

==> Founder and CEO of TheArticleGuy.com

==> Founder and CEO of SecretsofGreatRelationships.com

==> Founder and CEO of ParentingYourTeeanger.com

==> Founder and CEO of ToolsforSuccessfulLiving.com

==> President of BuildingYourIdealPractice.com

==> President of ConsciousDatingTallahassee.com